meilleurs voeux dès l'eM dans le silence

pRisoner of histOry

Le Homme : Your world would be easier if I didn’t come back

La Femme  :Thats true; but that would not be my world without you.

QUestiOnable cOnduct (s)

eM apologizes for hers. eM truly truLy sorrie. 

Once she stopped denying thOse feelings, she wasn't prepared for the torrent of strange emotions that washed over. It's completely foreign to her. It was like the volcanic eruption on an icy-cool, calm and collected surface. she wonders how much longer the ash cloud would clear. 

Her heart chose to fall captive to the one man she couldn't have. She questioned on how she allowed it to go so far. how n why did he; she knOws naught. But then she would look at that face, the tenacity; lose herself in his endless eyes and fiery yet gentle stare and would realize, how could she not. 

She knew, there was no dismissing it, but he would never be. Restrained by social stigmas, the boundaries of friendship, and her neurotic fear that he would walk out of her life if he discovered the truth of pAin still. She'd rather that he plays the role of a friend than to not have him in her life at all.

She'd accepted this reality, to love him from afar. She didn't want to jeopardize the relationship they'd once shared, because although a part of her missed & yearned for her 9-year old playmate and the feeling of completion knowing that we are not alone in this adventure; she opted to revel in the joyful sensations of loving, while carefully ignoring the pain of not being. 

Was contented with what she felt, the pleasure of his company, his irreplaceable presence in her life, and the fact that she knew what it was like to love.  She didn't have the audacity to ask for more.

But now, more than ever; she stumbled upon questiOnable *trutHs* that he really really wasn't for her to have, wasn't for her to love, wasn't for her to call her own. was she wrOng, wRonged with 'n wRonged on. Questionable conduct begets a string of *questiOnable* questionable conducts. 

A wildly different place 'n circumstance she'd found herself in; or rather was. Frankly; she doesn't really know anymore.  she's just left with questiOns. mOre unnervingly; why she still cared despite it all.

simple doesn't mean easy

Why M.poPpins tHinks p.Pan irreplacAble.

bits of wIsdOm plaGiarize frOm bAz lurhMan by p.Pan

dispeNsed in 2OO8

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be  it. 

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience

I will dispense this advice now. 

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. 
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked

You’re not as fat as you imagine. 

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. 

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. 

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Sing. 

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. 

Floss. 

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes 

you’re behind.

The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. 

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. 

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. 

Stretch. 

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. 

The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t. 

Get plenty of calcium. 

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. 

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. 

What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. 

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can.

Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance.

Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. 

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. 

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. 

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. 

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. 

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. 

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. 

Travel. 

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. 

Respect your elders. 

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. 

Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. 

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. 

Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. 

But trust me on the sunscreen.

faire cHanger / αλλαγή / ändern / 変化

There are two kinds of people; someone once said

Those chasing pleasure; those running away from pain
eM attempts the latter by doin the former but really; nobody can escape
It’s there when eM brushes her teeth in the morning
It's there when she walks across the dusty lanes to work
It’s there late at night when she lays her head to rest

The most she can hope for is one good day
On a good day, she tells herself, she can fix this
Today can be different

Pleasure helps her forget things
Pain forces her to hope
She tell herself this should not last

Today could be different
Today something might change
Today something will change

Thou Art In Heaven,

How did em begin and when will it end. intermittent mid-nite showers is getting really really really scary. how can missing stockings feel like this. so easy and so hard trying to

.-..  --- ...-   .  -.--  --- ..- --..-- -.-  .  -. -. -.--

truly.

pOker face prOmises

It's like had travelled back in time. A time when awakened wee hours in d morn; have thoughts of graNd-dada, and it inevitably rains. but hav promised to both that will take good care 'n live well; so not to worry 'bout eM.

recognizes this raw sting. would go about the day happily the best i could. playing with friends, enjoying good food, going new places, experiencing exciting events. but d moment does creeps up. deffered misery. good tat had taken psychology 101. too much could lead to the big-D. spirals & swings. gosh, and it's written in d cancerian stars; the "M" in eM. it's like a freaking economic cycle. perhaps should engage a chartist to better predict the troughs & stock up on chocolates as capital buffer. Maybe tat'll take care of the weight loss too.

but em must keep her word to probably one of d most important persons in life. eM really trying cherie, one day at a time. to appreciate every moment is indeed once in a lifetime. nite.

eM by the River @ robertsOn quay

.own intepretations of moments that em'd been priveleged to have experienced.
28 Aug 2Oo9

weeKends are made of these

hAppieness depends more on the inward disposition of mind than on outward circumstances .

mAsquerades of tHyself

“ Many cultures tell stories about people who pretend to be the other people pretending to be them, thus in effect masquerading as themselves, impersonating themselves, pretending to be precisely what they are … many people put on masks to discover who they are under the covert masks they usually wear, so that the overt mask reveals rather than conceals the truth; reveals self beneath the self. The realization that the mask may prove to be more alive than the face; the surface is deeper than the depth”.

W. Doniger; author of Bedtricks & translator of Sudir Kakar’s Kamasutra .

Beyond what these tell us is that we assume masquerades lie, and they often do, at least on the surface. But masquerades also tell a deeper truth particularly as we age and change. We often slip carelessly across permeable boundary between the un-self-conscious of our most peculiar mannerisms and the conscious attempt to give people who know us personally or publicly, the version of ourselves that they expect or maybe the version we expect ourselves to be.

In appreciation to a great friend who was there to pick up the pieces. when em's 'need to have it all together' in front everyone else breaks down in solitude. reckon em's car resale value is near zero after all the floods. em glad em can swim. or at least a friend who can throw in a life jacket. merci.

Unsustainable Escapism

d nights are long. weekends longer. on a conscious level : l'amis. there are CFA readings to complete. hav got VPN access now. adding productive variety to steer away from foolishness. yet, d subconscious is not helping. must tire meself more. to the point of total concussion-like restfulness.

Even If Only From Afar

vienna waits

mournfully i spread my wide white wings;

and return home to the fairy kingdom;

but nothing shall bring me back again.

InteriOrs

ExteriOrs

4 hOurs ; 7 Lines ; nO better

I told you I wasn’t. They say I shouldn’t. You said I couldn’t. But I feel that I have. Unconditionally and irrevocably so. So very much I shouldn’t touch that dial. Cliché it is. If I do really do, I really must not.

But it’s killing me either way. Either way, em will still be. muz hold it up being a phoney functional public masquerade of thyself by day. such raw talent for English theatre. apt timing. so long as em keep myself from touching that dial.

A Beautiful Mess

May-Day. May-Day. May-Day

19MayO9

Today marks a somewhat peculiar day. It expired. Don't mind my nerves. May call it fiction. So caught-up and submerged in my own contradictions. Funny. Maybe em numb. How often does that happen. Can I stage being numb for 30 - odd days. That'll make it easier. Em real easy to forget. You'd be skipping in no time. * promise *. Prends bien soin de toi; peterPaN. Assurez-vous que vous allez manquer.

Poppy Seeds

Like a junkie with limited supply, the day of reckoning was coming for me. the more hits i took now, the harder it would be when my supply ran out. why didn't i just walked away and stayed on the sidewalks?

oh right, em an IdIOt.

Bye , bYe, byE

thOu shall not sPlurge.

insurance. scholaRship-loAn. fixing wHeELy. cfa fee. investments.

yet again deferred gratification

-_-